REACHING

here is an experimental short i wrote/filmed/created for Channel 4's Random/First Acts project. here is all my softness.



words from REACHING-

i’ve kind of risen from the deep i was buried in before but only hovering

ellie says i’m not like them because i don’t have fun by getting drunk and partying

and i tell her i do get drunk because i do but that’s not why i tell her

i don’t like trying its hard its uncomfortable

so it feels like everyone’s grown up now

i’m still trying to make up for disco days

when i was drifting and they were first kissing

even though i was the one that needed loving the most

reeling from the pain taught to me by the systems i was learning from, hurting from

i find myself disappearing between the gaps of friends who just feel like strangers to me now

everyone is good at everything

and i am just good

do you ever feel so insecure and paranoid that it cripples your insides into a browning apple core?

i am a slump

i am a comfy sofa that looks kind of shabby

i am all the old songs i listened to when i rode on trains a lot

i repeat to myself ‘i am real’ hoping that i can believe myself into existence

i am constantly trying to celebrate myself every day but somehow never really being able to

i want to be everyone’s visceral reminder of what loving yourself looks like

i still live in the blue

feeling everything in between

but never reaching fully

truth

its weird cos I’m not sad which is new

I’m just living my life and feeling normal feelings

conclusion: life fucking sucks and everyone hates you

but you hate everyone too so its kind of fair

--

but u were meant to come into my life and change me

u were supposed to be weird and actually not like the ‘other guys’ and u were supposed to rip me open

and make me more truthful and open 

instead of lying

and i was supposed to read bell hooks at the same time and learn to stop pretending and lying

and i was supposed to go to that discussion group on intimacy and feel fucked up about it after

no way is this all just a coincidence

the universe is teaching me truth and honesty and i accept it am accepting it

i can see that now

i am growing

even if I’m not trying and only feel the growing pains

even if we have the same politix n beliefs

so do a lot of people

I’m not throwing up and thats amazing!

I’m proud of myself and I love you

I’m becoming the person i wanted to be

I’m at CSM

I’m 18 and alive

I’m an adult and my mental illness is behind me for now and thats good enough for me

i’m queer and SO ok

not linear

my days start with one feeling and end in another. i'm scared. i'm excited. and i'm hurting and sometimes i feel like i'm always being held by the past and other times i'm outside of my head and i can see. this is how it's meant to be. it's better this way. life's good. i don't know how i'm supposed to live.


my whole life i've always wanted to be everything simultaneously. i didn't want to have to give up one identity for another.

i live alone now. my room is always messy. i'm in a constant state of confusion.

anxious of commitment. scared to be loved (even though i really want to be loved).

         some tunes: